Do you ever feel like you have so much you want to say, but feel like it’s impossible to say it all? It would be easier if you could just get into my head and read my mind than for me to try and write everything I’m thinking and feeling right now. If this post comes out even remotely readable, I’ll be happy.
Sometimes I feel like I want to write and share things here, more personal things. Open my life up to you. I used to do that a little bit. Now I don’t do it at all. Similarly, aside from keeping my business page, I took myself off Facebook in February for the same reasons. (Which was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life.) Privacy is a beautiful and woefully underrated thing these days. But looking at this space, it feels so very impersonal now. And I know there must be a happy middle, where I can share more without feeling too exposed. I just have to figure it out.
It’s been a weird year, and with my 30th birthday approaching and my business going through its epic rebrand (which is coming along so beautifully, you’re going to love it), I’ve found myself in a state of constant navel-gazing lately. Which is annoying and makes me feel generally icky, but that’s the current state of affairs. And then of course, all that self-evaluation takes me down a rabbit hole where I stupidly can’t stop comparing myself to other, better photographers; can’t stop thinking about the huge mistakes I’ve made in the last five years, trying to do this thing; can’t stop thinking about the absolutely massive gap between where I am and where I want to be in my life and in my work. There are big decisions that I need to make soon, and frankly, it’s all really scary. I need to get out of my head. Of course, that is easier said than done.
These are my photographs, this is my work, and I’m proud of it, but my actual voice is gone from this space. It’s been gone all year. I’m sorry for that. I’m going to try harder to be present and a (tiny, tiny) bit more open. I’m going to try to connect with my readers and fellow photographers a little bit more. I’m going to just try harder in everything… to be a better person, a better photographer, a better friend. Just better. And maybe not compare myself so hard to others. Maybe not focus so much on my failings in life and business.